Rachael Kilgour sings in whispered tones at times on several tracks of My Father Loved Me, and it fits.
She delves into sensitive topics in her family’s history and psyche on the album so it makes sense that she’d approach them delicately. It also works in that she’s creating an intimate connection with the listener as she goes through her inherited insecurities and experiences with her father as his dementia progressed.
But for all the raw nerves the album touches on, Kilgour sees it as a medium for healing. Due to her father’s progressing dementia, Kilgour struggled to get to know her father as an adult and uncovered a lot doing research talking to her family for this album.
“I wrote the songs to get to know Dad, to say goodbye to Dad, but it’s also about me, about figuring out why we’re alive, and I don’t think there’s a way to do that without talking about the hard stuff,” Kilgour explained.
Throughout the record, Kilgour acknowledges that there were some complications in her relationship with her father. His depression and her parents’ separation took a toll on their relationship. There was a car crash they were involved in. And there were the demons she inherited from him.
When it comes to her low self esteem, “the torch has been passed,” Kilgour said. “I think it’s a little bit of a mixed message when parents love and support us so well but struggle with their belief in themselves.” Of the title track, Kilgour said “It feels like a little prayer every time I sing that song that I’m getting better at figuring it out and loving myself.”
A particularly powerful moment on the album comes in Dad Worked Hard. Kilgour questions a lot about how the world works through the lens of watching her family struggle financially as injury and dementia forced her father to retire and to require care.
“He was humiliated by it, I think,” Kilgour said of her father’s aging process. “It’s a common thing for men of that era. Slowly, Dad couldn’t do the physical work. He couldn’t provide for his family. It was really hard to watch him struggle with it. I think had he accepted it, it would’ve been easier.”
On an album that’s primarily mournful, reflective, and appreciative, Kilgour’s anger at the fact certain treatments for her father were out of their financial means stands out. She seems able to reconcile her father’s suffering when it comes to mental and physical conditions, but she views society as more at fault for not being structured more fairly.
“I felt that we were making these decisions about his care based on financial limitation, which felt very unfair,” said Kilgour. “It left me thinking about how we value different kinds of labor.”
As her father aged, Kilgour moved to Boston. Soon after, he passed. It’s a topic she still experiences guilt over, even as she acknowledges spending every second with her father wouldn’t be realistic or enjoyable.
“He felt really comfortable with me and took a lot of pride in spending time with me,” she said. “It’s still hard to think about having denied him of that, I guess.”
Kilgour was able to come home for the last week of his life and be there with her family. She tries to hold onto her father’s best qualities along with the good memories.
“I would like to be a helper in the way that he was. I’d like to be as reliable, maybe not quite as stubborn. And I would love to love the people I love as well as he did.”
Above is the full episode as aired on WUSB’s Country Pocket, including both my interview with Rachael Kilgour and the songs we discussed, starting with My Father Loved Me, which examines their complex but positive relationship. The interview begins with the second video in the playlist. You can hear the show live every Monday at 11am on WUSB 90.1 FM or check the blog to watch it as a YouTube playlist. Visit http://www.WUSB.fm and https://rachaelkilgour.com for more.
Photo by Sara Pajunen
Country Pocket 